Dear Spike:
Your mother tells me that she can feel you moving, pretty much all the time these days. Every night I put my hand on her stomach, but still can’t feel you in there.
Even still, it’s getting harder and harder to miss that you’re coming. And since we don’t want to wait until the last moment to get everything ready for your arrival, we’ve been working hard over the past few weeks.
A few days ago, we finished painting your room. Originally, we thought we’d do it up in yellow and blue, but on the way to the store to buy the paint, we changed our minds.
So it’s mossy green with a darker green trim. It made us rather nervous, at first, because we weren’t sure we liked it. But then the elephants went up — a parade of them in three different shades of brown marching around the room — and suddenly we could see it: A place we’re certain you’ll love.
We also painted your mother’s old dresser and desk for you (we even placed an internet order for some elephant-shaped knobs for the dresser) and we’ve been on the lookout, this week, for a crib, changing table, rocker, stroller and bassinet.
Tonight as we were heading to one baby store, your mother told me she was surprised that I seemed to enjoy preparing our home for you. Most men, she said, just don’t pay as much interest to such things.
I don’t know if that is true. I mean, haven’t we evolved past such inhibiting gender roles?
But as we walked through the store, looking at clothes, cribs and toys, I realized that some things haven’t changed as much as I thought.
The clothes area was particularly telling: Since we won’t know what sex you are for another week, we were drawn to unisex clothing. And that meant there just wasn’t much to look at.
Almost every piece of clothing was either bright pink or baby blue, with flowers and lace and bows for the girls and trucks and tools and baseballs for boys. It makes me sad that people make such a big deal of their baby’s gender, since gender means less to babies than it will at any other time of their lives.
Even worse were the toys. On the left-hand side of the aisle: rows and rows of dolls and E-Z Bake Ovens and make-up kits for girls. On the right: super heroes and space ships and swords and guns.
Even the toys meant to bend the gender lines were a disappointment: The dolls, for boys, all had guns or tools. The sports equipment, for girls, all came in the color pink.
We’ll do our best to allow you to choose your interests — and favorite colors — on your own, but I fear there’s just so much that our society will choose for you.
I suppose there isn’t any serious harm in it, so long as you know that you can be a man and still like to dance and cook (just ask your dad). You can be a woman and like baseball and comic book movies (just ask your mom).
It’s all up to you.
Love,
dad
Your mother tells me that she can feel you moving, pretty much all the time these days. Every night I put my hand on her stomach, but still can’t feel you in there.
Even still, it’s getting harder and harder to miss that you’re coming. And since we don’t want to wait until the last moment to get everything ready for your arrival, we’ve been working hard over the past few weeks.
A few days ago, we finished painting your room. Originally, we thought we’d do it up in yellow and blue, but on the way to the store to buy the paint, we changed our minds.
So it’s mossy green with a darker green trim. It made us rather nervous, at first, because we weren’t sure we liked it. But then the elephants went up — a parade of them in three different shades of brown marching around the room — and suddenly we could see it: A place we’re certain you’ll love.
We also painted your mother’s old dresser and desk for you (we even placed an internet order for some elephant-shaped knobs for the dresser) and we’ve been on the lookout, this week, for a crib, changing table, rocker, stroller and bassinet.
Tonight as we were heading to one baby store, your mother told me she was surprised that I seemed to enjoy preparing our home for you. Most men, she said, just don’t pay as much interest to such things.
I don’t know if that is true. I mean, haven’t we evolved past such inhibiting gender roles?
But as we walked through the store, looking at clothes, cribs and toys, I realized that some things haven’t changed as much as I thought.
The clothes area was particularly telling: Since we won’t know what sex you are for another week, we were drawn to unisex clothing. And that meant there just wasn’t much to look at.
Almost every piece of clothing was either bright pink or baby blue, with flowers and lace and bows for the girls and trucks and tools and baseballs for boys. It makes me sad that people make such a big deal of their baby’s gender, since gender means less to babies than it will at any other time of their lives.
Even worse were the toys. On the left-hand side of the aisle: rows and rows of dolls and E-Z Bake Ovens and make-up kits for girls. On the right: super heroes and space ships and swords and guns.
Even the toys meant to bend the gender lines were a disappointment: The dolls, for boys, all had guns or tools. The sports equipment, for girls, all came in the color pink.
We’ll do our best to allow you to choose your interests — and favorite colors — on your own, but I fear there’s just so much that our society will choose for you.
I suppose there isn’t any serious harm in it, so long as you know that you can be a man and still like to dance and cook (just ask your dad). You can be a woman and like baseball and comic book movies (just ask your mom).
It’s all up to you.
Love,
dad
4 comments:
By far, the most frustrating thing about teaching, is the gender biases that I still see. Boys have so much more physical fun and natural curiosity about the world around them that it makes it difficult to, even at age 6 or 7, encourage girls to do the same. I'm so glad that Spike's parents are ready to tackle this from day one. I like the cute pink frilly things too, but I hope that if Spike is a girl, she can wear pink or any color and still climb a tree, pick up a slug, run like the wind and choose math or science over language arts if that's what interests her. I hope that if Spike is a boy he can choose ballet, cooking, painting, or jewelry making and language arts if that is what interests him.
I promised myself I wouldn't enforce these gender stereotypes, yet here I am with a nursery full of blue clothes, blue accesories, etc. It's inevitable, and as soon as you find out what you're having, people will graciously buy you gifts in pink or blue.
As for the toys, though, I am pro-gender neutral. Baby Einstein makes lots of great kids toys that are stimulating and appropriate for either gender (lots of bright, primary colors).
And I can't help it...if the next Karnofski baby is a girl, she'll have to wear pink. Mom's orders.
I came across your site accidentally, but I feel compelled to send my congratulations to your family, and also to commend you -- what a thoughful, meaningful way to be involved in your child's life from the beginning.
And one more very big round of applause from my corner for your wife. I started grad school with one child and ended it with my third on the way -- balancing family and professional needs is tricky task, but worth it for everyone involved.
It is truly an amazing post. Thanks for sharing.
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