Dear Spike:
For many people of my gender
and relationship status, today can be a stressful day. But for me it’s wine and
roses — figuratively, not literally.
Your mother worked at a
Hallmark store during college, and that pretty much soured her toward the whole
holiday-for-lovers thing. She’s never expected anything special on Valentine’s
Day. Not chocolates or jewelry. Not dinner or dancing. And certainly not wine
or roses.
So when I told her that I’d
be away in Nashville for V-Day this year, she didn’t so much as flinch. You two
are having a sleepover tonight and you’re going to watch some movies. I’m going
to go find some Kurdish food and eat alone while grading papers. And that’s all
fine and dandy, because this isn’t a particularly important day on the calendar
for our family.
That’s not to say it can’t be
an important day for you. If you grow into the kind of woman who expects a
horse-drawn carriage ride through the park at sunset, followed by dinner at the
nicest restaurant in town, I’m OK with that.
Save one thing: I expect you
to grow into the kind of woman who does not expect any of that because you are
a woman.
There’s nothing wrong with doing
things that are traditionally associated with one gender or another. When your
mother and I go out, I drive the car pay the dinner bill. I certainly won’t
pretend that these and many other roles we’ve assumed in our relationship don’t
have anything to do with the gender expectations we’ve been raised with, but
they don’t have anything to do with gender.
I’m not a better driver
because I am a man (fact is, I’m not a better driver at all.) I am not better
at paying bills because I am a man, either (your mom just doesn’t like doing
it.)
Your mother does not expect
me to do anything because I am a man. What she does expect of me, she expects
because I am her partner, and because over our 11 years of marriage I have come
to understand the kinds of things she likes (backrubs, pajamas, super-hero
movies) and the kinds of things she doesn’t (V-day, taking out the garbage and
driving on busy interstates.)
Likewise, I expect nothing of your mother because she is a woman, but rather because she is the person in this world who knows me better than anyone else. She tolerates the things I do that align with gender norms (watching football, riding motorcycles, playing poker) and the things that don’t (my recent obsessions with designer shoes and figure skating, for instance.)
When these tolerations,
expectations and demonstrations of affection come from the things we learn
about one another over time, that’s a very wonderful thing — no matter if the
end result conforms to gender expectations or not. But when these things come
from assumptions about what women or men need because they happen to be women
or men, that’s not a good thing. It’s unhealthy and demeaning to our humanity.
Insomuch as it has come to be
associated with the way men should treat women, chivalry is not dead. But it
should be.
Because people who believe
men should do certain things to show their appreciation for women, just because
they are women, are buying into a worldview that suggests women should do
certain things to show their appreciation for men, just because they are men. And
for all of human history, men have taken advantage of those expectations in
ways that are unkind, abusive and cruel.
If and when you choose a
partner you want something from that person, by all means ask for it. And if
you don’t get it, you should reconsider the relationship.
If you want carriage rides
through the park, you should get that. If you want backrubs and pajamas, you
should get those too. Not because you are a woman, but because you are a
cherished partner to another human being.
And if you want wine and
roses, I wish you nothing less than that. Every day of the year.
Love,
dad
