I'm not quite sure when or why I did it, but at some point I began posting all of my Facebook status updates in haiku form. I like the brevity, simplicity and the self-indulgent quirkiness of it. And I suppose I just figured that if something takes more than 17 syllables to explain, it probably isn't something that needs to be shared with everyone I've ever known.
First, it’s clear that I spend a lot of time worrying about Oregon State University’s football team and the Real Salt Lake soccer team. Second, our family apparently spends a ton of time with our friends Chris and Ashley; many of my tiny poems were about them. Third, I think about you a lot — you are mentioned quite a bit in this collection. Fourth, I spend a lot of time thinking about work — both writing and teaching. And fifth, you seem to be a little bit of a racist — there are several posts in there about how you apparently think all black people look alike and all Asian people should speak Chinese…
Er….
Happy New Year!
Resolved: A year of
life, love and laughter with my
friends and family.
First e-mail addressed
to "Professor LaPlante." This
is hilarious!
First class has come and
gone. I'm still alive. So are
all of my students.
Funny watching snobs
Find out their Sundance choices
Are sold out. Sorry!
Thank you, Auburn, for
saving me from a lifetime
of humility.
Wow, it's true: Teachers
get paid peanuts. Good news is
that I'm used to that.
Lawyer up cowboy
There's a new copyrightin'
sheriff in this town.
Um, 'I' before 'E'
except after RNC
and the GOP?
Dinner, movie with
a woman who is not my
wife. How scandalous!
It's not enough to
spoil my daughter as I
juggle all my jobs.
Trying to capture
the problems of Sudan in
one concise column.
She fell in the snow.
Got back up and shredded some
More. That is my girl.
Benchmark! Spike and I
Ordered our entire lunch
In Mandarin. Yum!
"hey man," the student
writes. "Y didnt i get full
points." Gee, let me think.
Just saw "page one" at
Sundance. I'm not comforted
And not afflicted.
A late night, early
Morning with my college pals.
Flashback: OSU.
Sundance: "Pariah"
Absolutely amazing.
Touching. Beautiful.
Really, people of
Sundance: you are just not that
important. OK?
3 degrees out, but
no complaints here. Alaska
buddies would mock me.
Sorry about the
Cryptic Facebook update, but:
I think that went well.
Spike: "Are you ready
for some football? Yeah? Me too.
Boo-yah!" Kick ass kid.
Army leader says
he would rather not invade
Mexico. Ya think?
Class today was great.
Experiential learning
Is so rewarding.
Too-good-to-fire
Sloan, finally out. Making
room for something great?
Missing my girls this
Week. I can't wait to be home.
See you Wednesday.
Didn't play one hand
in Vegas. But going home
early, so I win!
Awesome news tonight:
My friend Bill is moving to
Green Street. Party! Yeah!
Wi-fi, indoor play
area, fruit and oatmeal
Mickey D's. Who knew?
Happy birthday dear
Heidi happy birthday to
you-oooo-ooo-ooo-oooo
Like a mad viking
sailing over the the end of
the world. Laugh like that
Hey Dave. Comfy in
The owner's box? Come down here
And take some tickets.
Ch-ch-ch-changes:
Just accepted a teaching
gig at Utah State.
"Professor" makes me
cringe, but feeling ready to
make this transition.
Proud and grateful for
the opportunities I've
been given lately.
Go Real Salt Lake
Go-oh-oh Real Salt Lake
Go Real Salt Lake!
Couldn't believe this
guy. Who the hell put him in
charge of marketing?
Blood, fire and... bras?
Are miracles in the eye
of the beholder?
Neue, which published one
of my Cuba pieces is
now archived online.
Seeking a buyer
for infanticide piece. Your
suggestions welcome.
We told Spike today
about preschool. She jumped. I
cried. Gonna miss her.
"You care about me"
revelations from two kids
in class this week. Win.
Super performance
by Real Salt Lake. 4-1
over Becks, L.A.
Powder. Pure as coke.
And yes, every little bit
as addictive. Sweet
Lost breadmaker part
was in the top of the bag
in top of the can!
Olave is a
Monster! Real Salt Lake scores
in Costa Rica!
Spike went with me. So
sweet when she told those old men:
"thanks for your service."
Congress, White House: Wake
up. These are the lives you're so
blithely screwing with.
I love you, Phillip
Morris: One of the sweetest,
saddest films I've seen.
Just got locked out of
The New York Times for the first time.
Pay? Nope, not this month.
Turbotax tells me
we owe a bundle. We've been
very blessed this year.
While doing taxes
today realized my last raise
was back in '05.
Realizing that my
students come with some pretty
hefty baggage. Yikes.
Sent monster check to
IRS. Don't mind; just wish
G.E. paid its share.
Broke all of my food
rules last night. It was great, but
paying for it now.
Tribune to LaPlante:
Don't let the door hit you on
the way out. Classy.
Oh. My. God. Real
Salt Lake is in great shape for
Next Wednesday. Woooo!
Sad to learn of the
death of Tim Hetherington.
Comrade and great bloke.
A little comfort
For the afflicted. My last
Sunday in The Trib.
Leaving Brighton with
Spike the super shredder. What
An awesome season.
So excited to
See these lovely crazies here
In Salt Lake City
And this might very
well be the last story I
write for The Tribune.
An all-nighter? Yup.
It's grade time, and that schtick ain't
just for students. Word?
Still proud to be a
Real Salt Lake fan. Onward
To MLS Cup
Eight days left before
Ethiopia. Now the
hard work all begins.
Cleared my stuff out of
the Trib. Thursday roast and then
I'm done. Feeling good.
Back from the bush. All
is going better than we
could have imagined.
One last day in the
cradle. My God, the graves I
have seen. Africa.
Two customs agents
for three hundred people. Nice
Job America.
Hanging with Bono
and The Edge and thinking of
my friend, Rick Egan.
Tomorrow Spike turns
four! So proud of my smart, brave,
tough and kind daughter.
All great things must come
To an end. But RSL
We still love you guys!
A student called me
"Hitler" and aA Nazi" in
an e-mail today.
Memorial Day
Snowboarding on ten inches
Of fresh powder. Yeah!
Student who called me
"Hitler" now sending veiled threats
of violence. Lovely.
Police escort for
Threatening student. Glad that's
Over. Craziness
Feeling a little
like Charles Foster Kane. Circa
1895.
Fourth birthday present:
Five shots at the doctor. My
Daughter is so tough.
Beginning to think
I might not be as good at
Poker as I thought.
Never discouraged,
Spike plays her 3-wood from the
Liberty Park rough.
Still thinking about
mango pudding. Thanks Ashly
and Chris. Awesome night.
Falling asleep while
grading papers. Wish these kids
were better writers.
So lucky to have
such lovely birthday wishes
from such awesome friends.
A song for my wife.
I call it: "The Googolplex
and a small brown goat."
Party: Liberty
Park, North East corner. High noon.
Saturday. Bring meat.
I'm still awake? Damn
you iced tea and the British
ship you sailed in on.
Last call: Liberty
Park. Northeast corner. Party!
Noon. Bring meat. Have fun!
Writing. Rewriting.
Writing some more. This story
Is kicking my ass.
Hours later, The
Writer looks back and wonders:
"What good did that do?"
Huntsman-Obama
in Twenty-Twelve? Stranger things
have happened. Read on.
Waaaah! Lebron hurt my
feelings! He's so smug and mean!
Whatever people.
Another day and
another rewrite. Word by
word, it gets better
Congratulations
to my good friend Jeff Key on
his first New York show.
Draft to editor,
check! And now, onto the next
project. Never done!
Reluctantly crouched
at the starting line. Watching
Cake at The Gardens.
Chris and Ashley at
The Cake concert. She's going
The distance. Ooooooooh yeah!
Note to Mandarin-
Speaking daughter: Not ev'ry
Asian knows Chinese
At Mister Popper's
With my little penguin girl.
Happy Father's Day
Junk food, cigarettes
and fraud, oh my. The food stamp
debacle. Read on.
My God, are these kids
really communications
students? Heaven help
Wah wah wah. It's just
so damn hot. Stop complaining,
people. It's summer!
Congratulations
Alex and Keriann. Our
Neighbors and our friends.
Wow. Giants still top
NL West -- with fewest runs
scored in MLB.
"OK, we'll take that
one." "Oh, that one? It just sold
five minutes ago."
Grades are out. Edit
is complete. Now to launch a
news website. Busy.
Go Real Salt Lake.
Beat these grade-schoolers. And get
Back to CONCACAF.
Spoiled celebs: Please
stop glorifying your choice
to drop out of school.
Belly up to the
watering hole. Presenting:
The Liberty Well.
Back on Radio
West on Wednesday. Listen
in at Eleven.
Soccer referees
have the toughest job in sports -
but this was awful.
On Radio West
Today: Why don't people watch
Women's sports? Tune in!
Special thanks to Ash
McDash for shooting this piece
for Liberty Well
Is it too late to
rename my daughter Abby?
Hey, I'm just asking.
Taking my girls to
China this winter. Spike's so
excited! Me too!
I'm proud of what our
part-time, two-man, volunteer
shop has done so far.
I wish I was in
Germany today. Go Team
USA. Win it!
Can't feel bad about
that. Japan played with heart and
never gave up. Win.
Twenty-five minutes
Ago: Monsoon. Now: Clear blue
Skies. I love summer.
My God! The Harvest
Moon. I could reach out and pluck
It out of the sky.
Pitch black. Driving through
Oil fields. Wyoming re-
minds me of Iraq.
My feminism
put to the test: Spike wants to
be a bull rider.
OK, Oregon
Trail fans: What landmark did we
visit this morning?
Yes, there's a reason
I've seen the Flecktones more than
Any other band.
Dear God, I know we
don't talk much, but could you send
us Jürgen Klinsmann?
The world awaits my
amazing daughter, who got
her passport today
Tahoe vacation
If life could be better I'm
Not quite certain how.
Say what you will 'bout
Utah. This shit would never
happen there, hombres.
Lord knows I'm not the
perfect husband. So I feel
lucky to have her
What slogan should I
wear on my shirt on my first
day at Utah State?
So impressed by all
the other new recruits at
USU. Love it!
Proud of my little
footballers. But man, they're bad.
Always next season.
Cool to see Brandon
Griggs and Kristy Griggs on my
laptop screen today!
Spike went off to pre-
-school today. She was fine. Her
mom and I? A mess.
Me: Hey look! Who's that?
Her: "Hello Andy Williams!"
Me: "That's Olave."
My friend and his buds
Designed this product. Perfect
gift for a shower.
Now I need someone
who is no longer Mormon
but still on the roles.
My return to the
Trib: A story about life,
death, faith and baseball.
Our first big scoop at
The Liberty Well. More where
that came from, Tribune.
First day of classes
at USU today. I
think I'll just sleep in.
"No late assignments."
"Even if my mother dies?"
"I'll need an obit."
One of my clients
is looking for a temp in
SLC. Details:
The Liberty Well
Now starring local foody
Ashley Detrick. Yeah!
Old: Some in my class
are closer in age to my
daughter than to me.
One of my students
wrote about a "cereal
rapist." Cheerios!
OSU our hats
Are off to you. And after
That, shirts and pants, too.
My poor little Spike
broke her big toe — right in time
for soccer season.
Salt Lakers: Check out
the newest version of the
Liberty Well site:
Out with the boys for
Musical theater. Thanks
Scott Sommerdorf.
I don't think that my
Beavs will win the BCS
title this season.
Here's to the next de-
-cade. May she be a damn sight
better than the last.
Just secured my next
season at Brighton. I'm now
ready for the snow.
Hosting Radio
West Thursday. Theme: National
Anthem. Your thoughts, friends?
One player on time
For practice. This is why I
Shouldn't volunteer.
Incredibly proud
of my friend, Leah Bryner,
who just passed the bar!
From The Liberty
Well: Salt Lake won't enforce its
dumping ordinance.
Utah just picked up
yet another BYU
fumble. Whoooo! Go Utes!
One hundred and six
pounds of tomatoes later,
ready for winter
Yes, I know you were
taught that way. You must unlearn
what you've learned, Jedi.
Diyar's dying wish
was to be buried in his
home nation. Please share.
Account now set up
at Wells-Fargo. Please share this
story with your friends.
Just had to tell a
student that they likely won't
pass this class. I'm sad.
Great to see local
media jumping on this
story. Momentum
Dropped off dad's cash for
Diyar. Was told many had
come earlier. Yeah!
Facebook sent me an
e-mail to tell me it would
send me less e-mail.
Found a carpool friend.
But it feels like I have won
The time lottery.
USU must be
the king of the "just about
almost an upset.
Consolation: This
Just further demonstrates how
Bad BYU is.
Utah reporters
risk undeath to cover the
human-zombie war.
Pretty good work from
my reporters on Day One
of Zombie News Week.
If you only read
one thing about zombies this
evening, read this:
Ernie Pyle they
ain't, but in four days their work
has really improved.
Happy the Beavs won't
Go winless this season. But
it's still not pretty.
Delta forgot to
Schedule pilots for this flight.
What else did they miss?
At two hundred bucks
a night, you'd think free wi-fi
wouldn't be so hard.
Condescending New
Yorkers. Screw you and your lame
ass contemptuousness.
Midwestern friends: How
do you navigate when there's
no topography?
San Francisco here
I come. Right back where I start-
-ed from. La la la.
My teaching heros:
Heidi, my mom, Mr. Nish
And now, this woman...
OSU fans first:
I've got two extra tix to
Beavers at Utah.
Occupy San Fran.
protested me today. (And
Bush and Murdoch, too!)
Well, the last decade
was certainly nice. Now,
back to reality.
Congrats to Chhun Sun,
Writer, friend and funniest
Facebooker ever
'Bacon' power — for
a reporter, that's the best
thing about Facebook.
Sometimes this season
I've wished it was possible
To root for The Ducks.
Night's highlight: When the
Concrete convention guy tried
To start a fight. Lame.
All of my Utah
gear has been put away for
the week. Go Beavers.
Proud of my student,
Kristi, for her first gov'ment
records article.
OSU our hats
are off to you. RSL
our shorts are off, too.
Congrats Utes. Even
bigger props, though, to Real
Salt Lake. Three-nothin'!
Matt, Leah, Ashley,
Chris, Heidi and Mia. Great
Night with great people.
Built my whole lesson
around this nasty little
bastard today. Win.
Fictionist at the
10-year Radio West bash.
Talk about that, Doug!
Spent the evening
with my daughter making this
movie. Oscar please?
Thank you to all of
you who supported this work.
Now please go share it.
Making premature
Plans to go to LA for
The MLS Cup.
The story has nine
hundred Facebook "recommends."
Help us hit a grand?
China's just two months
away. First non-work trip in
so long. I am thrilled!
Vet-specific courts:
Unconstitutional pass
or earned benefit?
Talked about Mingi
with KCPW
host Jeff Robinson.
Good points. But is The
Trib ensuring such standards
for "Close-Up" cit-jos?
Did you know that the
Bill of Rights doesn't include
Camp-outs? It is true
Big insurance hikes
for my Tribune friends. Too late
now too unionize?
Highland High's "The Wiz":
White kids in black roles. Ease on
Down the awkward road.
Heidi: "In China,
we should ask to see the place
where everything's made."
Thanks, Jeremiah
Stettler for your endorsement
of my campaign. Score!
Verizon user?
Keep Big Corporate Brother
Away from your life.
I don't even care
about the rest of the game.
Beaver touchdown. Cool.
Yup, that's more like it.
But OSU, my hat's still
off to you. Go Beavs.
Spike's second movie:
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll watch it
again and again.
It's a proud day for
the academy in the
Beehive State today.
Ivory tower?
I've been working since 5 in
the bloody morning.
Apparently Spike
Has decided she wants to
Be a prize fighter
A Jedi she is.
Uses the Force, this youngling
Does. She's A New Hope.
Wisconsin versus
Michigan State. Don't know these
teams. But what a game.
Note to Pac-12: That's
what a championship looks
like. Now: Go Badgers.
I feel like I just
lost a member of my own
team. God Speed, Bomma.
Does Salt Lake's new
mobile camera system
violate your rights?
Students applaud on
last day of class. Not quite sure
what they're telling me.
Five years ago we
deported them. So what good
did all that do? None
Interviewed by the
BBC on, of all things,
the Euro? OK...
And they said it would
never happen. Congrats to
Nate and Brook. God speed.
Visas for China
arrived today. So stoked for
vacation. Wà nsuì!
Finally, all my
grading is done. (And so is
all of my whiskey.)
Whining Utahns: If
it's really that bad, you can
always move away.
Iraq ends. Our tribe,
like those worlds away, clings to
the myth of martyrs.
Spike's got a "mean girl"
in her life. She won't be the
last. Oh, what a world.
From my brilliant friend
Jessica Ravitz, the best
Santa piece ever
Watching Monday Night
Football and playing dress up
dolls with my daughter.
On Dinosaur Train:
A Solstice Special? Why do
dinos hate Jesus?
Daughter and wife are
Laying in the foyer in
Swimsuits with comics.
A new approach to
the gay rights fight. Hypocrites
should be warned. Karma.
I wrote this five years
ago. Still get a Christmas
call each year from him.
Heidi says she can't
Eat baked potatoes without
Thinking of Chhun Sun.
Addicted to a
sitcom? What the hell? Aren't I
smarter than this junk?
Proud of my former
students, who launched this cit-jo
enterprise this year.
Jason Segel in
Benny Beaver shirt? "Mother"
is my new fav' show.
Reading Spike her book
for the first time. Eight chapters
in, she's hooked. Awesome.
More than two hundred haikus.
Lots of brevity.
